And I Don't Know Really What It Means
by captainhillshipper
Summary: When Steve found Peggy, he found a woman who could understand his heart and soul, who could see him for who he truly was, both before and after the serum. No one would ever mean more to him. (I learned to write summaries during NaNo. :)) From my "Smaller Heart" series. Ships Steggy. Usual angst and pain most expect from me. M for a reason, but not too smutty. :) Please R&R.


**Finished my NaNoWriMo today, still not done with the actual novel, but I attained my goal of 50K words. Next year I'll push for more and perhaps actually finish the novel in the month. :)**

**I've been trying to catch up on all the Captain Hill reading I've missed over the past month. There was a lot of good stuff. My first catch up, if I can handle all that pain at once, will be Dresupi's new story from her Crimson & Clover series. If you have't read her stories, do yourself a favor and go read them now. Seriously. :) You can come back and read this one later. It's not going anywhere. :D And Tielan actually wrote me a whole Captain Hill novella, I'm beside myself with happy feels (though you wouldn't know it from my story). It might only be over at AO3, though. I'll be catching up on that at the same time. Yes, I can read two stories at once. I'm talented like that. ;)**

**Anyway, for this story...**

**I haven't made anyone cry (except myself) in over a month. :D No, seriously, this was the only story I had close to ready. If you will recall, or maybe this will be news to you, I lost all my work at the end of October and have to start over from scratch. As if I didn't have enough fear writing that HIMYM cross-over without that. *sigh***

**So, as the summary says (you _do _read the summary, right?) this is from my "Smaller Heart" universe, which is pretty much MCU compliant at this point. It ships Steggy, not Captain Hill. Major angst, so if you're not in the mood for a sob-fest, you might try my Christmas story, Snowflakes Are Dancing. I've been told that 4 out of 5 dentists are sure your teeth will rot out of your head from reading the fluff. :) This story, on the other hand, is used by agents of HYDRA to make their victims weep. (At least, I hope it is.) Title is from a song, which I will share at the bottom, or else it will give the whole thing away. Oh, and it's rated M for a reason, folks, but I don't think it's too smutty.**

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><p>Steve closed his eyes as he leaned into Peggy's supple lips. They were sweet and full and the feel of them against his own was like nothing he'd ever experienced. His hands went almost of their own volition to her brown, silken locks. He felt the strands soft between his fingers as he deepened their kiss. In a moment, Steve gasped and pulled away from her slightly when her hands brushed from his waist, where they had been resting, up to his chest. The desire in Peggy's dark eyes served to fuel his own and, as she began to loosen his tie, Steve returned his lips to hers but slowly guided one of his hands down her back, to her waist, then to her perfect back side. When Peggy moaned to indicate her pleasure, Steve used his fingers to begin to inch up her skirt. By the time he had her hem in his hands, she'd discarded his tie and had deftly unbuttoned his shirt. He reached for the smooth flesh of her thigh above her stocking and trailed kisses across her jaw until he buried his face in her hair. The scent of roses permeated his nostrils and intensified his desire.<p>

"Oh, g-d, Peg." He breathed the words gruffly when she pushed his shirt off his shoulders. "I love you so much. I need you more than I've ever needed anyone or anything."

She looked up at him, her unabashedly smug smile was alone enough to set his body on fire, her nails scraping gently down his back were just more fuel for the flames that would soon erupt into an inferno.

"You certainly know how to boost a lady's ego." She smirked and cocked an eyebrow at him as she pulled his t-shirt from his waistband.

Steve shook his head and smoothed his hands along her sides, his thumbs skimmed over her breasts and induced a shiver, in Steve as well as Peggy.

"Only yours," he said, then let out a strangled groan as her hands ran along the inside of his waistband before she began to unbuckle his belt.

After the leather was pulled from the belt loops, Peggy began to undo his trousers. Steve felt need course through his body and he crushed his lips to hers and lifted her up in one quick movement. She wrapped her legs around him as he carried her over to their bed. Once there, they continued to undress each other, pausing to pet, to taste, to tease, to lathe. Steve was more than ready when Peggy finally lay beneath him, her smooth, creamy skin was hot against his. He was surprised to find himself overcome by his emotions and he reached up to touch her beautiful face.

"Peggy, I love you so much." The words seemed too small for the depth of his feelings and he felt the moisture come unbidden to his eyes. "You know that, right?"

She smiled affectionately and nodded her head.

"I've always known, Steve." Her voice was soothing and he smiled back.

"Don't ever forget, OK?" He didn't want to sound as though he was begging, but he couldn't help himself. "No matter what happens, you'll always be my best girl."

She nodded again then reached up and slipped her fingers into his hair and pulled his face down to take his lips with hers once more.

"Make love to me, Stephen." She whispered against his lips, and he didn't refuse her.

Steve woke the next morning with a smile on his face at the feel of Peggy tucked against his back. He turned to reach for her, but was met with only empty, cold sheets.

He opened his eyes and gasped for breath as reality came crashing back down on him. He squeezed his eyes shut against the visual assault of the proof of his 21st Century life and for a moment tried to will himself to fall back to sleep, to dream again. The words, "She's in a better place," so often muttered to him at Peggy's funeral were of no comfort, yet again, this morning, as the memory of that dream overwhelmed his senses.

This was becoming habit for him, these dreams. If only they were more like dreams, with something askew, something that would alert Steve's subconscious that th were not real. But Steve would swear he could feel Peggy touch him, was certain he could hear her voice. It made him long for everything they should have had. Super soldier he might be, but at this point he would almost give his own soul for just one more moment with her, just to feel the way he had only ever felt when he was with her.

He fought back the urge for self-pity. No, life wasn't fair. Nothing in his life ever had been. But it had been good, and he and Peggy had finally had their chance, as short as it had been. He should be grateful. He _was_ grateful. However, he was also fairly certain at the moment he was going mad.

Maria had said it would take time, that's what everyone always said, but for some reason, he took Maria's word as the gospel truth in this matter. It was six months now, though, and he wondered if there wasn't some trick to it, something he was supposed to do to relieve himself of this near constant ache in his chest.

He looked over at the clock. It was 7 am. Maria would be leaving for work. She had a driver so it wouldn't matter if he called or texted her. As he reached for his phone, he decided texting would be preferred since he wasn't sure his voice would hold out. He sat up in the bed to grab his phone of the nightstand and the air cooled him as it made contact with his skin when the sweat-soaked sheets fell off him.

_"Are you free for dinner tonight?"_

He didn't have to wait long for a reply.

_"You're in NY?"_

Steve smiled and suddenly wished he'd called so he could hear her voice.

_"DC, but I can be if you're available."_

After he pressed "send" Steve reconsidered the phrasing of the statement. It sounded desperate and he didn't want Maria to feel compelled to see him.

_"Sounds good. Where do you want to meet?"_

Steve sighed. He hadn't even considered a restaurant.

_"Wherever you'd like."_

Mentally he ran through the list of restaurants he knew she liked and wondered if it was too late to get reservations at some of the nicer ones. Even though it was mid-week, the better restaurants would still be packed for dinner.

_"What time can you be here?"_

Steve looked at the clock again.

_"By noon at the latest."_

_"Meet me at Breslin at 2. I'll make the reservation. Let me know if you'll be late."_

Steve crawled out of bed at the end of their conversation and pulled the still wet sheets off his bed. He started them in the wash before he headed to the shower. It wouldn't take long to throw a few things into a carry-on. Then he'd take a cab to Dulles and catch the next flight to New York. He could talk with Maria and even if she didn't have any sage wisdom for him it would just be nice to be with someone who understood. And maybe this time he'd get up the nerve to finally as her _how_ she understood.

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><p><strong>OK, since this is an M story, I will mention the title of the story the inspired my "Smaller Heart" series: First It Was a Question, Then It Was a Mission by MarnaNightengale and I think it can only be found at Archive of Our Own. The story is rated E, which stands for Explicit. This is why I haven't referenced it directly in my other stories.<strong>

**As for the title of this story, it's from an old Air Supply song called "In My Dreams." I wanted to work the lyrics into the story, but I thought it was far more effective this way, but here they are in case you were never as into Air Supply as I was and can't just recall them, even though it's probably been a good thirty years since I last heard it. :D**

There was a time some time ago  
>When every sunrise meant a sunny day, oh a sunny day<br>But now when the morning light shines in  
>It only disturbs the dreamland where I lay, oh where I lay<br>I used to thank the Lord when I'd wake  
>For life and love and the golden sky above me<br>But now I pray the stars will go on shinin', you see in my dreams you love me

Daybreak is a joyful time  
>Just listen to the songbird harmonies, oh the harmonies<br>But I wish the dawn would never come  
>I wish there was silence in the trees, oh the trees<br>If only I could stay asleep, at least I could pretend you're thinkin' of me  
>'Cause nighttime is the one time I am happy, you see in my dreams<p>

Chorus:  
>We climb and climb and at the top we fly<br>Let the world go on below us, we are lost in time  
>And I don't know really what it means<br>All I know is that you love me, in my dreams

I keep hopin' one day I'll awaken, and somehow she'll be lying by my side  
>And as I wonder if the dawn is really breakin'<br>She touches me and suddenly I'm alive

Chorus:  
>And we climb and climb and at the top we fly<br>Let the world go on below us, we are lost in time  
>And I don't know really what it means<br>All I know is that you love me, in my dreams


End file.
